Don't let foreclosure occupy your every thought

One of the biggest traps to fall into when facing foreclosure is allowing your financial crisis to occupy your every thought. When you're being bombarded with phone calls from creditors and letters from the bank it's not easy to live a life outside of foreclosure. It's as though your financial problems have set up base camp in your brain. Right? And they use your subconscious insecurities about your self-worth for kindling. The fire continues to burn in your head. Its oxygen is your fear of failure.

So, it's truly not easy. I completely get it. But you can douse those flames

You can create a foreclosure-free zone in your brain.

Here are 4 things that worked for me.

1. Pay attention to your thoughts
It's easy to allow automatic negative thoughts to overpower your mind if you're not paying attention. So start by paying attention. Notice how often you allow your thoughts to return to financial crisis and foreclosure. And get that you're actually the one allowing your thoughts to go there.

2. Just change the channel
My mom gave me some advice as a little girl that has helped me in this area. I used to have a hard time falling asleep because my mind would go to dark places. I would think scary thoughts and I would become too scared to sleep. One night Mom said, "Just change the channel."

That resonated with me. I reached my hands up to my ears and turned them like knobs on a TV. (Remember when TVs used to have knobs?) I turned my hands around my ears until I landed on a happy channel. And then I drifted peacefully to sleep.

It worked for me then and it works still today. When I'm overcome by negative or dark thoughts I know that I can just change the channel. If the little girl version of me could do it, the adult me can too.

3. Designated wallowing
Being in foreclosure, or unemployed, or in bankruptcy are serious states of being. There's no question about that. Sometimes, when my mind was overwhelmed by losing everything, the only thing that would work was to actually allow the thoughts to exist. But only for a designated period of time. If you must, wallow. But only for an hour at the most.

Set a timer and declare the next hour your personal pity party. Go full out. Pity yourself to the max. Be a world-class wallower. Be dramatic. And when the hour is up, move on. Change the channel.

4. Live your best life now
Losing everything isn't easy. But, in my experience, one of the worst things you can do is allow it to occupy your life. Live your best life now. Do not wait for the crisis to pass before you start living. Your life is happening now. It's not waiting for you. Don't miss it. (I'm starting to sound like Ferris Bueller now: "Life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!")

You'll be surprised what amazing things you can create in the midst of losing everything. Trust me.

What would you add to this list?


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The dangerous pursuit of happiness

Bob once said this:

"Our country is dedicated to the 'Pursuit of Happiness.' The problem with that is that if we're constantly pursuing happiness... we're never actually happy. It's always in front of us. We should be dedicated instead to Happiness. Or just being happy."

Wise words, no? (I love that man) I believe that is a HUGE distinction. Pursuing happiness is plain dangerous to one's mental state. And perhaps the explanation to why life can feel like one big treadmill. The carrot in front of us is our happiness. Taunting us:

Ha ha. You'll never catch me! Feel free to pursue me until your legs fall off. But you'll never catch me!

 So what do we do about it?

Well, I have a lot of thoughts on the subject. Many of those I shared in a post titled "How to be happy. Now." I wrote that in the midst of fighting foreclosure. In the face of lots of stress I was committed to happiness. No matter what. In the moment. That's key. Not when we're out of this foreclosure mess, but now.

Get in action
I also believe that being in action helps. Ever notice how when you're super busy doing something that inspires you, you're not sitting around wondering whether or not you're happy? Yeah. I like how that works.

Bob turned me on to this reality show called Shark Tank. On the show, inventors and business people have the opportunity to pitch their ideas to a group of "Sharks" or investors who may or may not choose to become an angel investor. On the surface it doesn't sound very interesting.

It's the people and their stories that make it worth watching. One story in particular really inspired me.

The Mod Mom
Kiersten Hathcock of Mod Mom Furniture describes herself like this:

I'm an ex-marketing exec mom turned freelancer turned web designer turned nanny turned furniture designer and builder. I opted for the straight and narrow career path as you can see. :)

As she said on The Shark Tank, she left her job to stay at home with her kids and then her husband lost his job. So she taught herself carpentry and began a furniture company to support her family.

It all began with a toy box. Apparently they were looking to buy one but couldn't find any they liked, so she decided to learn how to make her own and the business grew from there. She now can't keep up with the demand as she can only physically make three toy boxes herself in one week.

The Noah Owl Box from Mod Mom Furniture

I love this story because it illustrates how resilient people can be. So often it's not until our backs are up against the wall that we really get creative. Opportunity exists even in the most dire times. But it's not going to just fall into your lap. You have to get in action.

Many times I've said to Bob, "I wish I could make furniture." Well, I'm not going to just wake up one morning suddenly able to wield a jigsaw with the grace of a seasoned carpenter. But there's no reason why I can't teach myself like Kiersten did. Sometimes I just really want that overnight thing to really happen. You know? But it won't. It never will.

By the way, I really love that toy box.

How to Steal like an Artist
Have you seen this? It's a blog post by an artist named Austin Kleon that's been making the rounds on Facebook. As Austin describes it, it's a simple list of ten things he wishes he'd heard when he was in college. And it's great. I wish I'd heard these things earlier as well.

But given the fact that I thought I had it all figured out back then I probably wouldn't have really listened anyway. Now that I know that I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm a much better student.

I found the list to be inspirational and a good reminder for the best route to happiness in life.

Here's an excerpt:

5. Side projects and hobbies are important.

Speaking of play — one thing I’ve learned in my brief tenure as an artist: it’s the side projects that blow up.
By side projects I mean the stuff that you thought was just messing around. Stuff that’s just play. That’s actually the good stuff. That’s when the magic happens.

Magic happens when you're not trying to force it to happen. When you're just playing. When you're being self-expressed, living in the moment and trying something with no particular agenda. Experimentation for the sake of experimentation. Losing yourself in the moment.  Not only is that where the magic happens. It's also where the happiness lives.

I highly recommend you read Austin's entire post.
Then come back here and tell me what you thought of it.

So, those are my thoughts on happiness for the day. My greatest reminder is Malcolm. He's happiness personified. Already a little more than 8 months old. Already crawling and pulling himself up to standing. That's all he wants to do all day long. Pull himself up to standing. That and put things in his mouth.

When I'm laughing with Malcolm for absolutely no reason, I am happy. I'm not pursuing happiness. I'm being happy. Automatically. And without thinking about it.


Worth noting: Malcolm has a huge smile on his face right now. Know why? He just pooped.

"If this isn't nice, what is?"

“What Uncle Alex found particularly objectionable about human beings in general was that they so seldom noticed it when they were happy.

He himself did his best to acknowledge it when times were sweet. We could be drinking lemonade in the shade of an apple tree in the summertime and Uncle Alex would interrupt the conversation to say, “If this isn’t nice, what is?”

I myself say that out loud at times of easy, natural bliss: “If this isn’t nice, what is?” Perhaps others can also make use of that heirloom from Uncle Alex. I find it really cheers me up to keep score out loud that way.”

- Kurt Vonnegut from God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian

I had the pleasure of spending the last few days in Monterey with my dad, stepmom and siblings. It was a bit of a reunion as it had been a long time since we've all been together. I forgot to bring a book so I picked up one of my sister's- God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian by Kurt Vonnegut... which is where I discovered the above passage.

It really hung with me, perhaps because it so aptly put to words what I've been experiencing throughout the last year. Happiness isn't about perfection or being happy all the time. It's about moments, and noticing it when it's there.

Last week Bob and I were driving somewhere, I don't remember where, when he suddenly remarked, "Trees are amazing!" The awe and enthusiasm in his exclamation instantly put me in a better mood. We were at a stop light and he was looking out the window at a tree and it struck him: "Trees are amazing!" It was a "If this isn't nice, what is" moment. And I was happy that Bob, who has been so busy working so hard, took the moment to, as Vonnegut says, "keep score out loud."

It's like this. Here we are in the final week of life as we've known it for 2 and half years in our house on the hill in Silver Lake. Nothing has gone as we planned. We've lost more money than we could have imagined. Made so many mistakes as to be up to our eye balls in debt. We're heading back to the Midwest to move in to my mom and stepdad's basement and in the face of all of this, we are happy.

I've said before it's a declaration. I think that Vonnegut's words help explain it. It's not some place or state of mind at which to arrive. It's about experiencing it when it's there.

Like this, for example:

SUNDAY, JUNE 21
It's 10:30 PM, I'm sick, I really don't want to do this and my only response is to cry. This. 'This' is packing up the house. Going through our food, toiletries and medicine- tossing the old and sorting the new. Some to the food bank others we carry with us. How is it possible for so much to exist in one tiny bathroom cabinet? Seriously. I can't do this. I don't want to. I don't want to clear out our house. I don't want to leave. I just want it to be over.

Bob holds me. This is a relief. I cry more. He says he understands. Gives a pep talk. We're almost there. We can do it. But there's so much stuff! How? One thing at a time.

Tomorrow they are tenting the house for termites. They will be flushing Vikane gas into every nook and cranny in the house and doing battle with those little wood chompers. This is why we're moving it all out tonight. Because even though they say it's fine for your clothes to be in the house and fumigated with this gas, we don't really feel comfortable with that.

But it's late. And I seem to have contracted the same sickness that plagued Bob during our estate sale. My eyes burn. My throat is on fire. My sinuses are being squeezed together in a vice (or so it feels.) I'm trying not to be sad. Just keeping on. This is it. It's finally hitting me. This is the end. One final week. And it will all be over. For a moment the house will be completely empty. No more inhabitants. Not us, not the termites. Empty. Then... new owners move in and we'll be well on our way to what's next and what is sure to be a catharsis.

Bob suggests we go to our friends' house tonight and come back in the morning for the clothes. I'm all for that. I just want out. Away from the mess. From the in-your-face-ness of our reality.

We arrive at our friends' bungalow a few miles away. (They're out of town and have graciously offered their haven.) We make it inside and the tiredness just washes over me. But we made it. And it's cozy in here. I'm so sick, but I feel good. I feel safe. It occurs to me that I can feel this way anywhere, under any circumstances. I take some Sudafed and crawl into bed. Bob spoons me. And I think, "If this isn't nice, what is?"

Our house in battle gear:





3 things:

1. Discovered Soul Pancake today thanks to Twitter. Today's Big Question fits nicely with this topic:

Is our misguided pursuit of happiness the source of our misery? - Soul Pancake

2. We feel such gratitude for all the support we're receiving from the wonderful people in our lives. We cannot thank you enough. But we'll try. To start, we thank the wonderful people who helped us yesterday in various and amazing ways:

Jeff & Nikki, Porter, Brian, Cece, Chris & Regan

3. And lastly, we'd love to hear your "If this isn't nice, what is?" moments! So please share them in the comment section below. Thank you! We look forward to reading.

How to Be Happy. Now.

I have a confession to make.

Lately, I've been waiting for all of this to just be over and forgetting to be happy.

My thoughts have looked like this:

-Once this is all over, we'll be happy.
-I just want this to be done.
-I can't take it anymore.
-We should never have bought this house.
-Why was I so stupid?
-I'm just so tired of all of this.
-I just need to save us to make it all better.
-Why has everything gone wrong?!
-We just need to get out of here.
-Once we get out of here, go back to Chicago for a respite, regroup, get back on our feet, everything will be fine.

But what about now? This moment?

These thoughts make me pretty miserable. They're anxiety-causing. They're trouble!

As soon as I dwell on the past and my mistakes, I'm immediately suffering. As soon as I focus on just getting out of this and on with my life, I'm missing my life.

We've been going through this for 9 months, right? What if for 9 months all I thought was, "Everything will be fine once this is over." Well, I would have missed 9 months of life... of living, discovering and creating. I would have sat around waiting for it to be over and might possibly have had a nervous breakdown.

Waiting for it to be over = missing out on life

And that is not okay with me.

When this all began, we agreed to stay 'in the moment,' and see the opportunity in every moment. To get that being happy has nothing to do with the circumstances of your life. If money can't make you happy, then lack of money can't make you sad. Right? Right!

We've learned so much along the way. The biggest triumph for me is really getting that we don't need money and stuff to make us happy. To be complete. We just need each other and a good dose of perspective. Love. And each other. Sharing our fears and hopes, connecting and rising above the morass.

I have to say, this blog keeps me honest. When I hear myself complain or lament our situation, it doesn't take long for me to think:

Hey! You started this blog for a reason. You're committed to being happy in the moment. Remember? In the now. In foreclosure. In default. In debt. Happy. In limbo and in love. In whatever. That's your commitment. That's what you write about. And you know being happy is just as possible as being miserable. You know this. So stop this nasty downward spiral and go do something productive. Give Bob a kiss. Pet the dog. Clean the kitchen. Sit in the sun for a minute. Write a blog post. Call a friend just to say hi. Whatever, but just be happy. Now.

Yesterday Good Karma Housekeeping blogged about "Love in the Time of Foreclosure" and referenced this wonderful quote from Michael J. Fox who said:

“Happiness grows in direct proportion to your acceptance and inverse proportion to your expectations. This is what I have today . . . I don’t have a choice about this, but I have a million other choices. And if I choose well, I’m going to be a happy person.”

I so agree. There's so much that is out of our control, but our happiness is not. It's one thing that is most definitely within our control. Like Michael J. Fox, I believe it is a choice. And I'm choosing happiness.

Now if you'd excuse me, I have a husband to kiss, a dog to pet, a kitchen to clean, possessions to sell, a friend to call just to say hi and sunshine to enjoy...

A QUESTION ON HAPPINESS:

Do you ever intervene in your unhappy thoughts? If so, what do you do to re-presence yourself to happiness?

Drowning in Debt, Losing our house, Happier than Ever

Welcome to you. Welcome to us. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Here we are. Our first post on our new blog.

We are starting this blog because we have come to realize that we're an anomaly. Or at least a minority. According to my mom who is right about most things, the percentage of people who do nothing when confronted with losing their homes is 70%. Now, I will find back up on that, but 70%. That's pretty high. So we're in the minority because we are actually talking to the banks, have our house on the market, reorganizing debt and making a plan to pay it off. That's a start and this blog will be all about that so I won't go into it here. But I do want to make the assumption that we're probably in even a smaller minority because in addition to confronting our debt and taking responsibility, we are also doing it with grace and power. We're not victims, we're not depressed, we're not angry, forlorn, devastated, etc. We are actually happy.

What is all of this but opportunity? Losing everything is an opportunity to start again with knowledge we didn't have before. It's an adventure. It's something to write about. It's a way to put priorities in perspective. It's a challenge that we're accepting.

Are there days where the challenge is overwhelming? Yes. But luckily we're usually not in the same place at the same time. When one is down, the other is there to bring things into perspective.

How's our credit? TERRIBLE. Worse than ever.
How's our marriage? FLOURISHING. Better than ever.
How is this possible?

Keep reading...